I was all set to start the new year with my #oneword365. It was carefully chosen and for a while, I was convinced it was the right one. It’s a really great word. And, I was really hoping it would help me make this next year better. Last year was so hard. I fought with emotional pain and physical exhaustion like I was thrown into the boxing ring for the fight of my life. I feel like I spent a lot of time standing in the corner, shellshocked, confused, weary, waiting, trying to figure out my next move. So, this word, it’s such a great word. It felt like putting on a pair of really great boxing gloves.
I tried it on for a while. It made me feel strong and able to change myself and the things around me. And, oh, how I longed for change. How I wanted to be different. You could call it a lifelong dream. I’ve talked about how I used to try to reinvent myself as a young girl. I still do that. With this word, I was going to improve as much as I possibly could.
The more I carried this word around, the more I realized I wasn’t ready for it. It can’t be the prominent thread in the fabric of this year. It’s not that I don’t want to be intentional. I do. I want to be intentional with writing, relationships, faith, self-care, love.
I realized though that asking my burned out, burdened down heart to focus big on being intentional was a lot like supporting my insecurity driven need to change myself.
I’m not ready to focus on the word “intentional”. Not yet. It can be a minor player this year. But, not the main focus.
There is a step I’ve skipped over all my life. One word that needs to precede everything else.
Accepting myself, my quirky, awkward ways, my gifts and strengths, my weaknesses and fears. Accepting my life, being a housewife and mom of 7 kids (even if it’s incredibly hard), accepting my limits and boundaries, accepting my children, my husband and their limits, boundaries, strengths and weaknesses. Accepting the ebb and flow of friendships past and present in and out of my life. Accepting my faith journey as my own, even if it’s different and full of questions. Accepting burnout. Accepting my exhaustion because it has become an awakening to myself, my needs, my identity. Accepting that our family deals with cavities, low grades, anxiety, asthma, depression, pain, strong personalities, behaviours. Accepting the shape of my heart and the shape of my hips.
I think acceptance will become a gateway.
A gateway to love, peace, fullness, aliveness, hope, dreams, rest, healing.
My one word for the year needed to change so that I could finally stop trying to change. Words are powerful and I love them so. I hope you’ll join me in choosing one word for the year. #oneword365
What’s your word?
<a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/11363525@N02/3786683541/”>[Olivia]</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>